Difficult.

Noah mentioned this evening that he thinks being a parent is harder on me than he imagined it would be. At the time I wasn't sure. But sitting here at 9:45, having tried everything to get Asher to sleep - and failed - even stuff that experts say not to do like rocking and feeding him has failed - I think, yes, Noah is right. You're right. This is WAY harder than I thought it would be. I did not imagine that after four difficult months I would count myself lucky to get half an hour downstairs in the evening and only be woken up every two hours in the night. I did not imagine the screaming and howling that would ensue when I try to put Asher in his cot after rocking and holding him for half an hour. Why is our baby so rubbish at sleeping? I really, really want to use one of my catch phrases here: "It's not fair".

And it's true. It's not fair. It's not fair that he doesn't sleep. It's also not fair that he was born into a loving family with the means to support him - not all babies are like that. It's not fair that I have plentiful access to clean water and nutritious food, and that I can nourish my baby with breast milk. It's not fair that he is healthy and happy, that his eyes and ears work, that he is so alert and joyful and charming during the day. Not all babies are like that.

So as I sit here in despair, not having had a sleep lasting more than two hours for the past three weeks, with a baby who is desperately tired but will not sleep - I have to remember the good things. I have to remember that I'm not in this alone. I have to remember how wonderful my baby is. His happy face as he squeals with delight when I play with him. His determination to sit up; to stand on his strong legs whenever somebody will help him. The beautiful smile he gives me when he sees me across the room. I have to think of the child, and later the adult, he will be. And I have to ask God for grace to get me through this night because, although there's no way I can do it on my own, in God's strength I am strong. *


* In case that's all a bit heavy for you: I mis-typed that last clause as "in God's strength I am string".